The Struggle – Getting Unstuck

Jacob wrestles with an angel

In counselling, one axiom that generally holds true is that if you’ve been stuck for quite a while, your usual way of coping with the original problem is probably a part of what is keeping you stuck.

I think the same is often true when we get stuck in our relationship with God. Certain kinds of doubts or fears or questions or frustrations with God (or the world) come up. Then our usual way of coping with those doubts, questions or frustrations keep us from overcoming them – and we stay stuck. Consider what we often do in response: 1) get afraid and bury the thought, 2) get overwhelmed and give up, 3) get angry and passive-aggressively withdraw, 4) assume we must be wrong and don’t do the work to figure out how or whether  we are partly right, etc.  I suspect all of these frequent kinds of responses do a pretty good job of shutting down our relationship with God.

So let me suggest some common kinds of doubts/questions/frustrations and some alternative ways of struggling through those that might be more life-giving.

Common doubts/fears/questions/frustrations:

• the idea of God is silly, old-fashioned, and makes no sense in the modern world
• if I make real-life decisions because I trust in a God who may not exist I will get screwed
• what if I become a boring do-gooder or doormat and miss out on all of the fun I could have had in life looking out for myself (like other people have and do)?
• do I only think I should believe in God because I grew up in a Christian home?
• why the heck should I think the Bible is somehow reliable? (It’s kind of weird sometimes after all.)
• the world is so full of crap, it doesn’t make any sense that there is a real, loving God
• I am so ticked at what has happened to me (or has not happened) or feel so ripped off at the “hand I was dealt” in life that  I can’t possibly trust God

I’m sure we could add many more if we shared these doubts out loud, which we usually don’t.

You might have noticed that in the ineffective coping styles I mentioned above, they all pretty much lead to avoiding the actual doubt. However, we beat phobias by facing them not avoiding them. If we’re afraid of dogs, every time we avoid one we teach or confirm for our inner being that a) dogs actually are very scary and b) I remain safe if I keep avoiding them. Same thing with God – every time we avoid our doubts/fears etc I confirm in my inner being: a) there is probably some real scary truth behind what I’m not facing, b) I will only remain spiritually safe if I desperately avoid this doubt/fear.

So here are some alternatives to help wrestle:

• honest, intellectual inquiry (but remember that all sources are biased and flawed – if you read authors like Dawkins and Hitchens, make sure you also read some C. S. Lewis, Francis Collins, Peter Rollins and/or John Polkinghorne.)
• ask some people whose lives show good fruit how they have dealt with those fears/doubts
• lament – articulate your doubts/fears/questions/frustrations and throw them at God
• read some lament psalms and realise that this is meant to be a normal process. Click here for some samples of paraphrased psalms – LAMENT PARAPHRASES
• remember that there may be a risk in trusting, but there is also a risk in not trusting (and I don’t mean hell) – try God out and see how it works

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